it does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

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Summer Tips For Fat People


I have been fat for the better part of a decade now. It all started around 1996 when my waistline began to expand and my breasts swiftly outgrew my vertical vision, obscuring my feet forever. It is not an easy life, but it is the one I have to live.

Given that this is the internet and given that, if the Simpson’s have taught me anything, fat people like computers, I would be willing to bet that there are a lot of fat people reading this right now. Who knows, maybe you’re one of them? Take a look down your body, can you see the floor?...No?...then this is the article for you.

Of all the seasons in the year, summer is the worst for fat people. We can no longer hide our supple frames under layers of cotton and denim. No, we are forced to lay our hoodies and sweat pants to rest and confront the fact that we are now wider than we are tall. However, there are some tricks I have picked up in my 8 years since the great expansion and, like the mafia, I am here to help out my friends. Here are the summer tips for fat people.

1. Avoid the beach. Take a look in the mirror. What do you see? I bet you see a large, shapeless, pale body with spotty hair and, most likely, a stretch mark here and there. Do you really want to show that off? No, no you don’t. Yes, you may like sand and salt water, but nobody wants to see your fat ass splashing around the waves and nobody wants to pull that harpoon out of you after the whalers nail you by accident. Let the beautiful ones have the beach…they let you have the library. Instead of going to the beach, try having a BBQ instead; you’ll feel more comfortable around roasting meat than you will trying to hide those pesky he-tits.

2. Tan yourself. I know it may be difficult to work on your tan if you can’t go to the beach, but there are plenty of other places to tan that flabby hide. For instance, you could try to convince all your stoner friends to let you borrow their grow lights for an hour or two each week. That way, you can achieve a solid base coat in the comfort of your own home. Or, try this; cover yourself in baby oil and stand in front of the microwave for a few hours. Sure, the cancer will hurt, but at least you’ll look a little slimmer for all the ladies you won’t be getting.

3. Avoid bars and clubs. Only fat people know the real reason we hate summer; the sweat. It pours off your head and down your chest; over your tee-shirt and down the crack of your ass. And where do you sweat more than in a crowded bar or club. Good luck hitting on girls when you look like you just went down the slip-n-slide. Try heading to a beach bar or an outdoor party; this way no one will see the sweat due to the lack of light and you’ll be less likely to soak someone with sweat by bumping into them. Also, never dance…it is not meant for you. (Note: it is OK to attend the beach after dark, but, like a vampire, make sure you leave before the sun crests the horizon)

4. Do not swat at mosquitoes. You may be bitten. You may contract West Nile. But at least you won’t look the fool by swatting the air for ten minutes. One of the great comic loves of this country is to watch fat people do physically challenging things: rollerblading, climbing things, tying shoes, and, yes, swatting mosquitoes. You may be large, but don’t be the jester for your friends. You’ll never hear the end of when, “Jay was trying to swat that mosquito and he was all like, falling down and shit and his shirt, like, came up and shit…that was fucking hilarious.” Don’t feed the stereotype.

5. Do not wear a Speedo. If you choose to ignore my warnings about the beach and go anyway, at least wear something befitting a person of your stature. No one looks good in a Speedo, especially you. Your fat gut will droop over the front of the Speedo making it appear as though you are wearing nothing at all. However, those behind you will be treated to the sight of your hairy ass crack just poking through the top. Please, for the love of the children, do not don this European nightmare. If you must go to the beach, wear a moomoo, garbage bag, or raincoat and save everyone the doom of staring at your bared flesh.

Now, I don’t want you to be ashamed of your body. On the contrary, be proud of what you have accomplished. That gut, that flab shows years of accomplished eating and drinking feats and you should cherish it. You may envy the guys with the rock hard abs and no boobs, but what do you think will happen when the ice age comes? Huh? Yeah, they’re all going to freeze to death when we, you guessed it, will still be sweating. To my fellow fatties, I’ll see you in the living room watching TV and not, and I mean it, not on the beach this summer.

"Procrastinate now... Don't put it off." -Ellen Dengeneres

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College Garbage

Graduation is a special time of the academic year. Your parents’ friends are sending you cards with money in them, and you’re feeling bad because you still don’t think spelling it “Congradulations” is funny. And you have to pack up your room and spend some time pondering just what the hell qualifies Damon Wayans to give a commencement address.

Packing is a long and arduous process full of ardu, but there’s some stuff you just don’t need after college. To streamline the process, I’ve compiled a handy list what to keep and what to donate to Goodwill for the next generation of little bastards looking for ironic gifts where some people shop out of necessity.

1) Your collection of _______. It doesn’t matter what you put in the blank. Any collection you’ve accumulated in college will not translate well into the real world. That collection of shot glasses that made you look like a party animal? Welcome to alcoholism. Your back issues of Maxim? Let’s buy a neon sign that says, “I masturbate but don’t have the balls to buy real porn.” Dried flowers boys gave you? Wow, hope being a librarian and having lots of cats works out for you. To the trash with all of this, and if you have to ask if you can keep your pogs, enjoy your parents’ basement.

2) Your college girl/boyfriend. He’s nice enough, but all of the sad, imagery-and-angst filled letters and three-figure phone bills in the world can’t silence the message your heart has been texting your brain since May: that you can do better than a long distance relationship. In the immortal words of the troubadour Tom Petty, “I have never recorded a decent song.” Just remember, when you said, “I love you forever,” you meant, “Until I find someone who doesn’t consider a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos foreplay, jerk.”

3) Your fraternity-letters tattoo. Oh, wait. Nice foresight, asshole.

4) Your “shelving” made of concrete blocks and boards. In college, it made you look ironic and thrifty and awesome. In the real world, it will just make you look poor. And not the “I’m cool and artsy” kind of poor. The “I’m poor” kind of poor.

5) Any t-shirt from a college event. Nothing is sadder than walking through Blockbuster and seeing some balding middle-management type trying to coolly kick back in his “Pi Phi Phantastic Phuckphest ‘94” shirt. If it’s less than fifteen years old, it’s neither retro nor vintage, just kind of pathetic.

6) Your old textbooks. Even if you’re going to grad school, there’s no excuse for keeping some books; you’re just holding onto them to try to look smart. Nobody needs a copy of Nietzsche by their bedside “just in case.” Well, nobody except a pretentious jerk. No visitor is going to walk into your apartment and say, “Oh my God, she’s got a multivariable calc text on her non-concrete-block bookshelves! The vector of my love bisects the plane of her heart!”

7) Your couch. We all have had that great thrift-store find, the green-plaid polyester sofa with the stains on it. The disgusting odors emanating from this piece of furniture defy identification, although most are some combination of melted Pez, semen, and squirrel blood. My own couch had anthrax growing on the far right cushion and the cure growing on the far left. You actually got healthier by sitting on the middle cushion, provided you didn’t get tetanus from the exposed spring. This advice goes double if your couch is actually a futon, which has earned the title of “Clark Kent of Furniture” by somehow braving the duality of being both an uncomfortable sofa AND an uncomfortable bed. What an age we live in!

Dictionary.com/pinus

pinus

\Pi"nus\, n. [L., a pine tree.] (Bot.) A large genus of evergreen coniferous trees, mostly found in the northern hemisphere. The genus formerly included the firs, spruces, larches, and hemlocks, but is now limited to those trees which have the primary leaves of the branchlets reduced to mere scales, and the secondary ones (pine needles) acicular, and usually in fascicles of two to seven. See Pine.

The vector of my love bisects the plane of his heart!

::


"IN DA DOME" LYRICS

(CHORUS)
YOU CAN FIND ME IN THE DOME
CHILLIN' WITH JAROME
GOT MY EYE ON THE CUP BABY WE GONN' BRING IT HOME
C'S FLAMIN' ON MY CHEST SO YOU KNOW THAT IT'S ON
WHAT I TELL YOU 'BOUT THE WEST KID
THE CUP IS COMIN' HOME....

(1st VERSE)
A YO SOMEBODY TELL ME....WHERE THE RED SEA AT?
WHERE THEM DIE HARD FLAMES FAN HEADS BE AT?
OR BETTER YET....WHERE'S STANELY AT?
WERE COMIN' FOR YOUR CUP MAN.....CALGARY'S BACK

UH OHHHH....DOWN TO THE WIRE MAN
LOOK AROUND NOW C'S ON FIRE MAN
THIS YEAR WERE NOT SWEEPIN' 'EM....WERE BLOWIN' 'EM OUT
GIVE 'EM 4 QUICK L'S THEN WE THROWIN' 'EM OUT

SO HOW YA'LL WANT IT? EVEN STRENGTH, SHORT HAND OR POWERPLAY?
BACK HAND, WRIST SHOT, FROM THE POINT.....ANYWAY
AROUND THE NET, BEHIND THE BACK, ANYLINE, WE ON ATTACK...
ONE TIME, BREAK-AWAY, 5 HOLE, IT'S LIKE THAT

AND AS FOR KIPPER BABY....HE'S ANYTHING BUT SOFT
BREAK, BREAK, BREAK, BREAKIN' EM OFF...
STOP YA COLD....GOT 'EM PUCK PATROL
THE MASKED PUCK THIEF STRAIGHT STOLE YOUR GOAL

ALL YA'LL REALLY NEED TO KNOW IS THAT OUR TEAM IS DEEP
NOT AS DEEP AS WE GONNA BURY TEAMS THIS WEEK
SO MAKE A CHOICE....WHO YOU WANT SIMON OR OLIWA?
EITHER WAY YOU CATCH A BEATIN' THAT'S THE WAY THAT WE BRAWL

YOUR OFFENCE IS LIKE NO-FENCE....TOO EASY FOR ME
YOUR DEFENCE IS LIKE EFENCE....WHERE'S THE D???
ANYBODY SEEN THE D??
THEY DIDN'T BRING NO D???

(CHORUS)

(2nd VERSE) MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL
WHO'S THE ILLEST TEAM IN THE PLAYOFFS YA'LL??
NO QUESTION....GOTTA BE THE CALGARY FLAMES
OH WHAT....YOU DIDN'T KNOW, LET'S RUN DOWN THE NAMES

SAY KIPPRUSOFF.....KIPPRUSOFF!!!
SAY GELINAS........GELINAS!!!
SAY IGINLA.........IGINLA!!!!
AND THAT'S JUST A FEW HOT NAMES I'M GIVIN' YA!!

2 SHUTOUT'S BACK TO BACK
AND AN OVERTIME THRILLER HOW SLICK IS THAT
REDWINGS IN 6....HOW SICK IS THAT
GELINAS AGAIN!!!....WHO'S STICK IS THAT??

SOMTHIN' STINKS IN THE DOME....I CAN SMELL IT IN THE AIR
IT'S A WHOLE LOT A TEAMS DREAMS BURIED UNDER THERE
AND I'M STILL SEEING C'S EVERYWHERE
SO WHO'S UP NEXT?...WE DON'T CARE

SO I WANNA SEE YOUR JERSEY'S, HAT'S, SHIRT'S, BAGS
C'S PAINTED ON YA FACE, CAPS, FLAGS
EVERY SINGLE CAR IN THE CITY GOT A FLAG
PLUS GETTI GOT A RIGHT TO BRAG....I'M IN THE DOME!!!!

(CHORUS)

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL
WHO’S THE TOP DOG IN THE PLAYOFF’S YA’LL?
JUST GIVE IT UP YO…..FOR YOUR CALGARY FLAMES
OH WHAT…YOU DIDN’T KNOW…LET’S RUN DOWN THE NAMES

SAY KIPPRUSOFF.....KIPPRUSOFF!!!
SAY GELINAS........GELINAS!!!
SAY IGINLA.........IGINLA!!!!
NOW HERE’S A FEW MORE HOT NAMES I’M GIVIN’ YA

LEOPOLD, REGEHR, DONOVAN, NIEMINEN,
NILSON, CLARK, COMMODORE, SAPRYKIN
CONROY’S CRAZY THERE’S JUST NO TESTIN’ ‘EM
HE GOT THE GOALIE SHOOK UNDRESSIN’ EM

PLUS IGGY’S GETTING’ JIGGY…LEADIN’ THE LEAGUE
SO NOW DO YOU BELIEVE?
CLOSE YOUR EYES…..WE’RE GOING BACK IN TIME
LIKE 15 YEARS BACK TO ‘89

AND AINT A DAMN THING CHANGE EXCEPT THE SCORE
NOW THE FLAMES ARE BACK FOR MORE
AND I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW THEY TOLD THAT THE SHARKS GOT BITE
NAH….BARQ’S GOT BITE, THEM SHARKS WAS LIGHT

NOW WE GOT THE WESTERN CONFERENCE SEWN UP TIGHT
I THINK IT’S OUR TURN TO PARTY RIGHT
SO ON YOUR MARK GET SET…I NEED TO KNOW
IF YOU REALLY LOVE THE FLAMES MAN LET IT SHOW

AND JUST TO LET ‘EM KNOW THAT YOU WID IT YO
SAY………………GO FLAMES GO!!!!
SOMEBODY SAY GO FLAMES GO!!!!!
LOUDER…....SAY GO FLAMES GO!!!!!
Written By Getti
P&C B.Sanguinetti